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Rambo
Urgh, I feel so dirty. I just watched the new Rambo movie and I didn't hate it. Pass me the wire wool, I need to scrub myself.
Rambo is really terrible - and yet it's good fun. Truly appalling writing couples with excellent mindless violence to make an unexpectedly enjoyable combination in a way that Rocky Balboa completely failed to do. It's like dropping apples in a vat of wee and discovering a new flavour of cider. I enjoyed this film: I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: - more violence than you can shake a pointy stick at. Very graphic gory bits and brief flashes of nudity. To enjoy this film you should: laugh at the dialogue and wait for the shooty bits.
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Now let's not get over-excited, it's not a good movie. The story is devoid of all value, the morality is too
simplistic for a five year old and the script is so
breathtakingly bad that you could turn the movie into a spoof without changing a single word. If you were to put Ramboid
clichés into a fruit machine and spin the wheels, you'd have your new Rambo movie right there. On top of that, despite the
evidence of effective computer trickery, they STILL insist on using that stupid technique of yanking the guy who's been
shot backwards on a wire! Haven't we established enough that it looks awful when they do that?
Anyone would think the special effects industry doesn't hang on my every word. So how on earth does Rambo
end up being anything other than a hideous barrel of swamp rot? I'll tell you. By accident.
You see, the movie is played straight - we're supposed to feel shocked when the innocent kiddies get shot, then enraged in
a Daily Mail let's-hurt-someone-so-we'll- feel-better kind of way. But this is Rambo. We know it's horse-shit. So when
the baddies make the villagers run through a land-mined paddy field for sport, it's not shocking at all, in exactly the
same way that when New York was annihilated in
