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Van Helsing
Story: Van Helsing vs Dracula, seeing off a clutch of legendary monsters along the way. Running Time: 132 minutes.
"The Mummy Returns". There, I've said it. I can't imagine reviewing Van Helsing without comparing it with Stephen Sommers' earlier feature so I thought I'd get it out of the way from the start. And while I'm at it - "The Scorpion King".
3 years on, and The Mummy Returns, sillier but more actiony, is another hit and the formula is sealed. The Scorpion King follows (partly written by Sommers but not directed by him) and helps to highlight which parts of the recipe work and which don't.
Back at the Commission. 
"Hugh Jackman (check) plays Gabriel Van Helsing, sent to rescue feisty Kate Beckinsale (check) from a horde of vampires (check), encountering Frankenstein's monster and Mr Hyde along the way (checkity-check). Van H is accompanied by his comedy friar Carl (check) who will probably come up with the solution to, oh I dunno, some nonsense or other (check). I need all the computer animators you've got, as there's a scrap with a fictitious monster in every scene (check). "Sounds like a real roller-coaster ride there, Sommers (check) - so is this one going to be shot in orange again?" "Er, no. Grey (check). But the fires will be orange." "Good enough for us, make it happen. Hurt me Gunther, make me BLEED."
In all then, it does exactly what it says on the tin. It's painfully shallow action-by-numbers, but it's done with such enthusiasm and visual flair that it's good fun anyway. If you like preposterous action movies then this is your lucky day.
I enjoyed this film: I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: It's all special effects and bumping off monsters. Plus some flying vampire babes in body paint, and shiny-arsed Kate Beckinsale. To enjoy this film you should be: Along for the ride.
To order the special edition 2-disc DVD set of Van Helsing, click the image below: 
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Stephen Sommers must be cackling all the way to the bank. I bet after the
slightly unexpected success of The Mummy, he must have decided he was onto a
winning formula. Maybe then he went to the Film Commission and said,
"look, every scene in my film is orange. I'm planning on making a bigger
and better one. Can I have 10 million dollars and a free hat?"
"Orange, eh? Well, we're down. Try and get a mobul phone in there
somewhere."
So what have you learned Mr Sommers? What makes a Sommers movie?
And so it came to pass that Van Helsing was made. Shooting in almost
black-and-white gives the movie a moody feel, though it's not entirely
dissimilar to the feel created by The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.
The premise and plot are not even worth mentioning - they're deliberately
as empty as a supermodel's lunchbox so they don't get in the way of the
action. The special effects are convincing enough to work effectively
and never puncture the belief bubble in the same way as, say, Jar Jar Binks
in The Phantom Menace. The tried and tested technique of momentarily
superimposing a skeleton over the baddie during a lightning flash is used
particularly effectively, as are the various I-am-evil twinkles in the eyes,
and the werewolf transformations, daft though
they are, are the best I've ever seen. A lot of effort has been put into
making everything look right and it has paid off.
It's not atmospheric in the same way as,
say, Batman, but nevertheless it's aesthetically very impressive.
Hugh Jackman found his ideal role as X-Man Wolverine,
but doesn't capture the same presence as Dracula's nemesis Van Helsing,
largely due to the strong visuals, which
stifle Jackman's usual charm. It seems Jackman Doesn't Do Accents, which
is no bad thing in this context, but regrettably we're robbed of Kate Beckinsale's
syrupy elocution in favour of a staccato Eastern European delivery.
Richard Roxburgh creates an adequate Lugosial Count, which fits in with the
flavour of the movie, though his perpetual Evil Glower does little to
convince us of Dracula's menace.
Personally I would have liked to have seen a more
charming characterisation, like Tom Cruise's Lestat (Interview With the
Vampire) or indeed Gary Oldman's seminal creation. The best performance
of the movie comes from British stalwart Alun Armstrong, who has a small
scene-setting role as a cardinal at the very beginning of the film.
The one area I would like to have seen improved is the script.
While there are one or two funny lines (when Dracula asks Igor the butler
why he's torturing a monster so much, Igor looks baffled and replies,
"it's what I do"), there are many other missed opportunities. In a movie
that never takes itself seriously, the light moments are unusually sparse,
satisfying itself with a gentle mickey-take of the Q/James Bond banter
while dishing out the gadgets.
