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Troy
Directed by Wolfgang Petersen. Story: Trojan Paris steals Helen from Greek king Menelaus. Menelaus and brother Agamemnon wage war on the Trojans. Running Time: 163 minutes, feels like 163 days.
TOO LONG! TOO LONG! Eurgh, I hate getting bored with movies half way through. The show needs to be pretty special to support nearly three hours, and sadly Troy isn't special enough - by about an hour and a half.
Time to wrap up before I go all Petersen on you. I enjoyed the first hour of the story, it was big and brash and unashamedly entertaining. But then it tries to go all epic and it all goes horribly wrong. Why didn't Mr Petersen roll the credits at the 90-minute mark? Because then we wouldn't have got "The Trojan Horse". Well that's all OK then.
I enjoyed this film: (the first hour was a 4 though) I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: The trailer suggests that Helen of Troy shows skin, but that's a Troy ploy. Some gladiatorial carnage and those "epic" effects are all we get. To enjoy this film you should be: Caffeined up.
To buy Troy on DVD, click on this link: Troy [2004] [DVD] |
The word "epic" - now what does that mean? Does it mean "expensive"?
Does it mean "features lots of stars"? Does it mean "contains impressive
special effects"? I think movie directors are under
the mistaken impression that "epic" means "shows lots of characters on the
screen at the same time". Thus they seem to think Gladiator is
epic (not in my book), and the same with Troy. Yes, there are lots of
computer-generated people on screen (who look impressively real) and
the impression of a complete army is effective, in look at least. However,
the epic-ness is lost by the hamming up and dragging out of the major
scenes. The story is well-known, the messages are shallow and childish
and the whole effect is unsatisfying. For example, one characteristic
moment is during a battle featuring tens of thousands of warriors - two of
the main protagonists have their own scrap in the midst of everything
(I won't tell you who as it's vital to the plot). Besides the daftness of
everyone else conveniently giving them room to fight without getting
involved, when the scrap ends, the entire battlefield magically goes silent,
the winner says "that's enough for today" and everybody stops and goes home!
I don't know much about archaic combat, but I'm sure as hell that mass
telepathy wasn't a factor. This moment epitomised the emptiness of the
film for me and it just got worse from there.
Brad Pitt doesn't quite feel right in the part of Achilles, however his
performance is marvellous as usual, his character being the structural tendon
rather than the vulnerable heel amongst a sprawling array of performances
that, on the whole, try too hard to fit the "epic" tag.
Eric Bana (Hulk) scowls his way through as the Trojan
warrior Hector, Peter O'Toole rattles another few screws loose as King Priam
and all the women stare wide-eyed and helpless as their big strong men do
their various big strong man things. Helen of Troy is portrayed acceptably
by Diane Kruger - and it's a good idea to have an unknown actress playing the
part of "The Most Beautiful Woman In The World". However, I think it's fair
to say that if her face can launch a thousand ships, a million-plus is not
out of the question if you know how to look. Bizarrely, Sean Bean's
chilled Odysseus
somehow works (though I'd never have believed it had I not seen it) and Brian
Cox pops in a meatily vicious Agamemnon that is nothing short of perfect.
Had the movie concentrated solely on Achilles, Odysseus and Agamemnon
and done away with the tedious muddled combat scenes, it would have been
massively more watchable.
One performer I've saved for particular savaging is Orlando Bloom.
Am I the only person on the planet that thinks that
Orlando Bloom is a galactically BAD actor? The man is a self-spoof.
I can't watch any of his pantomime one-dimensional performances without
expecting a joke - I genuinely believe his future is as the new Leslie
Nielsen. I keep expecting him to say, "don't call me Shirley," and was
continuously reminded during Troy of Charlie Sheen's Hot Shots: Part Deux.
Anyway, rant over. If he's cast as Buttons next, I'll be saying all
nice things.
