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The Passion of the Christ
Story: Jesus dies slowly and painfully. Other stuff you might want to know: The film is entirely spoken in Aramaic, Latin and Hebrew. There are subtitles throughout. Seriously. Running Time: 127 minutes. Certificate: 18
I enjoyed this film: I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: Extremely gory, but not in a good way. To enjoy this film you should be: Locked up.
If you really must buy this abhorrence, please use this link: The Passion of the Christ [2004] [DVD] |
This film would be more accurately titled "The Death of the Christ". The
first scene ends with pain being inflicted on the eponymous lead and it
doesn't let up until the poor guy finally bites the dust in the final few
minutes. There are a few momentary flashbacks in between lashes of the
whip, but they serve little purpose other than to paint Jesus as a
yesteryear David Icke. Presumably we were supposed to assume Jesus'
miracles and good work as a prerequisite to viewing, or maybe it's just
aimed at the blindly faithful. Either way, as a representation of "the
greatest story ever told", it's almost entirely devoid of any story at all.
"Jesus suffers and dies, the end".
I always complain about being dragged along to war films, as I thoroughly
dislike sitting through graphic representations of the more despicable sides
to human nature. Maybe now my co-viewers will appreciate my standpoint a
little more, as they too were disgusted by the continuous coruscation of
unprovoked and unnecessary brutality. As the torture wore on (and ON, and
ON) a message started to become apparent - in the same way that you slowly
realise the twisted hunk of metal you've been curiously looking at is
actually the result of a horrific car crash - that this kind of physical
abuse is somehow OK, because Jesus had predicted it (thus relieving the
participants of any blame - they were destined to do it) and, hey ho, he's
resurrected at the end, so that's OK then. NO, NO AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
NO! This is utterly hateful film-making at its most sickening and perverse.
I can't imagine religious people liking this as it would surely be torture
to see one's hero undergo such punishment. I can't imagine non-religious
people liking it, as it's torture to see anyone undergo such punishment.
The only people I can imagine coming out of this thinking it was a good way
to spend two hours are sadists, the kind of people who enjoy the intense
misery of others (or Gibsons, as they shall henceforth be known). If you
ever meet anyone who says they enjoyed the film, then I recommend you flee
as fast as you can to the nearest police station and report that this person
has the postman manacled in the cellar and a dead relative in a rocking
chair. You won't be far wrong.
Convinced as I was that no decent soul could possibly rate this above
"dire", I opened up IMDB and had a look at what the world has to say about
the film and ... holy Mary mother of God ... people like it!!! Reading the
"best film ever" praises and how the film moved people to tears, I
feel almost guilty for damning it so comprehensively as it shows that I
clearly missed the point and was not the target audience. So I shall end by
advising you to read other reviews before going to see it - it has polarised
opinion to a degree I can't remember seeing before. If you can identify
with such comments (from IMDB) as "because of Jesus dying for ME, I've quit
smoking tonight," maybe you'll take something positive from the film.
Personally I would rather shave Mel Gibson's arse than sit through this
atrocity again.
