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Latest News

13 / 05 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth F1 race at Barcelona are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. Next race is Monaco in two weeks on 27th May - cutoff for team edits is midnight GMT on Friday 25th.

30 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Results from Rally Argentina are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. The next rally is in Greece and starts on 25th May. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on Thursday 24th May.

23 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Jari-Matti Latvala has been injured, so he is being replaced by Dani Sordo for Rally Argentina. If you have Latvala on your team, you'll automatically score for Sordo instead. Cutoff for edits for this weekend's rally is midnight GMT on Thursday 26th April.

22 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth F1 race at Bahrain are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. Next race is Barcelona in three weeks on 13th May - cutoff for team edits is midnight GMT on Friday 11th.

15 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
Now we have a few races under our belt, the weightings have been changed to reflect the early season performances - see the the league page to see what changed.

15 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third F1 race at China are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. Next race is (probably) Bahrain next weekend on 22nd April - cutoff for team edits is midnight GMT on Friday 20th.

02 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
The results have been updated to reflect Mikko Hirvonen's exclusion from Rally Portugal.

01 / 04 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Results from Rally Portugal are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. The next rally is in Argentina and starts on 27th April. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on Thursday 26th April.

28 / 03 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Last call to pick a WRC Academy driver! Teams will be locked from midnight GMT on Thursday night - if you haven't picked one by then, you'll get Christopher Duplessis by default.

25 / 03 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second F1 race at Malaysia are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. Next race is China in 3 weeks on 15th April - cutoff for team edits is midnight GMT on Friday 13th.

18 / 03 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first F1 race at Australia are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. Next race is Malaysia this coming weekend - cutoff for team edits is midnight GMT Friday.

15 / 03 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
LAST DAY! Teams entered after midnight GMT tonight won't count for Melbourne - this is your last chance!

13 / 03 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Results from Rally Mexico are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. The next rally is in Portugal and starts on 29th March. Remember to pick your Academy driver before then! Anyone who doesn't pick an Academy driver will by default get the first guy on the list - Christopher Duplessis.

05 / 03 / 2012
Fantasy F1:
It's here! The 2012 Fantasy F1 championship is open for entries! Read the rules or dive straight in and Pick your team. You can change your mind as often as you like until midnight GMT on Thursday 15th March when teams will be frozen for the first race.

23 / 02 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
The Mexico entry list has arrived and is available on the rally page.

14 / 02 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Due to Mini's recent hoo-ha, if you have Mini as your WRC team, you will score for the Mini Portugal team instead (currently Araujo/Nobre) from Mexico onwards.

13 / 02 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Teams are open for editing again, though the entry list for Mexico isn't yet available.

12 / 02 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Results from Rally Sweden are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. The next rally is in Mexico and starts on 8th March. Teams will reopen for editing on Monday.

23 / 01 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Teams are now open for editing again. Ogier and Mikkelsen are entered into Sweden in S2000 cars, but they're not eligible for the SWRC championship. You can choose them as WRC drivers for Sweden if you want.

22 / 01 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Results from the Monte are in! Check the results, see how your team did or enter a new team. The second rally is in Sweden and starts on 9th Feb. Teams will be frozen at midnight GMT on the night of Thursday 9th Feb.

18 / 01 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
Rally teams are now frozen for the Monte. You can still pick a team and it will start scoring from Sweden on 9th Feb.

11 / 01 / 2012
Fantasy Rally:
The 2012 Fantasy Rally season is now open for entries! Read the rules or dive straight in and pick a team. You can change your team as often as you like so you may as well create one now in case you forget later. Cutoff for the first race in Monte Carlo is midnight GMT on the night of TUESDAY 17th January.

27 / 11 / 2011
Fantasy F1:
The results from the final F1 race at Brazil are in and the championship has been decided! Check the results or see how your team did. First race of 2012 is Australia on 18th March. Entries for the new season will open a week or two before that date.

14 / 11 / 2011
Fantasy Rally:
Shock rally drama! Martin Semerad was excluded from the PWRC, so our results change too, which gives us a new champion! Check the results or see how your team did.

13 / 11 / 2011
Fantasy Rally:
The results from Rally GB are in and the season is over! Check the results or see how your team did. The 2012 season will be open for entries in early 2012 in time for Monte Carlo on 17th January.

 

Memoirs of a Geisha

Memoirs of a Geisha

Cast: Ziyi Zhang, Ken Watanabe, Michelle Yeoh, Suzuka Ohgo.

Directed by Rob Marshall, adapted from the book by Arthur Golden.

Story: A child is taken away from her family and grows up to become a geisha in early 20th century Japan.

Running Time: 2hrs 25 minutes.

UK Certificate 12A.

 

Memoirs of a Geisha is a movie steeped in oriental atmosphere, full of eastern promise. Dig through the polished presentation and underneath you find a rich vein of ... well, nothing actually. It's as shallow as a pub measure and somewhat less fulfilling.

Michelle Yeoh takes a day off from Ferrari F1 boss Jean Todt for a spot of pimping. The first, and by far the most obvious problem is the delivery of the dialogue. Do you remember 'Allo 'Allo? Where you could tell what nationality the characters were pretending to be by the accent they spoke English with? I can't help but be reminded of René Artois - all the characters stumble slowly and painfully through their English dialogue, but if they spoke any faster they'd be unintelligible because their accents are so strong. What's even more peculiar is that they speak exactly the same to the Americans when they show up later on. Cinematic licence, I suppose, but I couldn't help expecting one of zem to leesen very carefoolee - zey will say zees only wurnce.

The second problem is the supporting actors. The leads are well-known - bright blue-eyed Ziyi Zhang (Crouching Tiger, Hero), Ken Watanabe (Batman Begins, Last Samurai) and Michelle Yeoh (Tomorrow Never Dies) are all noticeably professional, but Li Gong (an established Chinese star) must have put on a stone with the amount of scenery she chews - not what we expect in a mainstream movie nowadays. Little Suzuka Ohgo is pretty good as the child star, though her delivery needs work, but the supporting acting in toto is highly amateurish. More than once I thought I was listening to Yoda instead of a serious performance. "Successful geisha, you will be."

Ziyi Zhang won't look so innocent when she finds out what a geisha is. Still not done with the flaws I'm afraid. The story, whilst solid enough during the first half, is not strong enough to support the long running time and has a very strong feel of having been cut from an even greater length. Once we hit the two hour mark, the tone changes like a light bulb, the main geisha heroine's character collapses completely and the story finishes pathetically and incongruously. I cannot believe this is the original ending. It's shallow, unsatisfying and disappointingly curt. Half an hour could have been cut from the body of the movie and replaced with a properly constructed conclusion.

OK, that's enough slagging off. The eastern atmosphere is developed extremely well, helped immeasurably by John Williams' dramatic and unintrusive score and the cinematography is very nice indeed, with the Japanese feel being effective and complete, despite most of the lead actors being Chinese - a fact that I didn't even notice until I was researching this review afterwards. The atmosphere extends to the geisha's ethos - so much so that it seems perfectly honourable when our heroine sells her virginity to the highest bidder. This detail becomes muddled later on - being an ignorant westerner I had the impression that a geisha was essentially a classy prostitute. The first half of the movie seems to confirm this preconception, but the latter half denies it, so I'm still none the wiser. Damn stupid Brits.

Memoirs of a Geisha is not at all what it purports to be and falls well short of its potential. Stylish and beautiful it is, clever and meaningful it most certainly isn't. The aesthetics make it worth a watch if this is likely to be enough for you, but don't expect anything more.

I enjoyed this film: 2/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 1/5 Ziyi Zhang teases but never shows.

To enjoy this film you should be: absorbed by the atmosphere.

 

Memoirs of a Geisha is released in the UK on 13th January.