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The Girl Next Door
Story: A porn star moves in next door to a high school goody-goody and they fall in love. Running Time: 110 minutes.
English is a funny old language. It has thousands of words, multiple dialects and a rich and vibrant tapestry, which is just as well, as sometimes I need to use a word that I've never used before, for no reason other than it sounding right. The Girl Next Door's word is "pappy".
I'm being unusually negative so far, which is perhaps painting an unfair picture. There are laughs along the way, generally provided by the goody-goody's geeky buddies. See - I can't even remember the goody-goody's name even though he was the lead - and frankly it's not worth my effort to look it up as I doubt I'll need it again. Look, I've done it again - lapsed into criticism without even trying. I did enjoy watching this film despite my criticisms. It didn't run too long, it didn't bore me and it did make me laugh a few times, however the fact that in order to praise it I'm struggling to find bad things that it didn't do (rather than good things that it did do) is rather a pointed reminder of just how average it all is. Oh yes, I remember. It had boobies in it (though not Elisha's, sadly). Extra point for those though.
I enjoyed this film: I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: (but only because the average moviegoer who actually sees it will be 25 or less) Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: Plenty of adolescent sex references and some token fake boobies towards the end. To enjoy this film you should be: Adolescent. |
Your commentsThe comments printed here are not necessarily the views of Forwardcharm!
This is the best film ever made!
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Movies are a form of hypnosis - it doesn't matter if the
story is nonsense as long as it's presented in a coherent way. The craft of
the movie-making profession involves (among many other things) creating
congruity - if this is absent or lacking then the viewer will sense an
uneasy dissatisfaction without knowing quite why. For me, this is the
movie's problem. Firstly there are the little parts - at one point, just out of shot,
Ms Cuthbert (the daughter from 24) picks up something small (shan't ruin it for
you) from the road from inside the car, whilst sitting on the seat, without
opening the door. Now, I know that's a tiny little detail and it shouldn't
enter my head, but it did and if you're like me, it will to you too. Maybe
I missed the door opening, maybe I didn't see a stick in her hand or maybe
the director just thought it didn't matter, but whichever it is, it's like
someone snapping their fingers in front of my face and it breaks the movie
spell. Stuff like this happens a few times during the movie - moments where
you scrunch your nose up and think, "what?" and while they are indeed
unimportant in the grand scheme of things, they nevertheless destroy any
coherence that may have accidentally slipped in. More seriously, at no
point does Elisha Cuthbert even begin to resemble a porn star, even when in
porn star mode. Maybe I'm missing a point along the
porn-stars-are-people-too line - but it's all way too fluffy to be
convincing. It's pap, pure and simple. Unconvincing, insignificant,
sickly, trite. Pappy.
The exception to this is Timothy Olyphant, who delivers a deliciously
unpredictable producer and ex-boyfriend. I have a sneaking suspicion that
the script-writer was going for baddie-with-a-heart, but Olyphant moulds
that into a schizophrenic psychopath - one of those people (we all know one)
who can be nice to you all day, but still leave you with the feeling that
they'll knife you as soon as your back's turned. If it wasn't for his
character, I'd be universally apathetic about the acting, as the rest of the
cast will have left my ever-fading memory within a couple of weeks.
To sum up, I'm going to talk about curry for a moment, please bear with
me. Whenever I find myself eating a curry, I tend to quite enjoy it in a
this-could-be-made-of-anything-and-it-would-still-taste-the-same kind of
way, but at no point in my life will I ever sit down and think, "man, I
could murder a curry right now." And a few hours after having one, the
shine wears off and it's hard to see quite why I enjoyed it in the first
place. It's the same with The Girl Next Door. There are some amusing parts
and it's inoffensive and harmless (OK, so the curry analogy doesn't quite
stretch there!) but really, give me a meat pie and chips any day. And hold
the pappy.
