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26 / 02 / 2023
Fantasy F1:
We've had 13 seasons of Forwardcharm Fantasy F1 ... and I think, finally, it's time to call it a day. I just don't have the energy for this kind of malarkey anymore. Thank you all for playing, it's been great fun. Enjoy your year!

20 / 11 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twenty-second and final race in Abu Dhabi are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. That's it for this year, see you back here next year to find out if I could be arsed doing it all again.

13 / 11 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twenty-first and penultimate race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. The FINAL race is in Abu Dhabi NEXT WEEKEND.

30 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twentienth race in Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Brazil in two weeks.

23 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth race at Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico NEXT WEEKEND.

09 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race at Suzuka are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in 2 weeks.

02 / 10 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race at Singapore are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Suzuka, NEXT WEEKEND.

I've slightly changed the weightings of Alfa/Alpine/Haas to reflect their current performance.

11 / 09 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Singapore in 3 weeks.

04 / 09 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race at Zandvoort are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza, NEXT WEEKEND.

28 / 08 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Spa are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Zandvoort, NEXT WEEKEND.

31 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race in Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Spa in about a month, at the end of August.

24 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twelfth race in France are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary NEXT WEEKEND.

10 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eleventh race in Austria are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is France in 2 weeks.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

03 / 07 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austria NEXT WEEKEND.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

20 / 06 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race in Canada are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone in 2 weeks.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

12 / 06 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighth race in Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Canada NEXT WEEKEND.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

I've slightly increased the weightings of the Mercedes pair as their woes seem to be continuing.

29 / 05 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race in Monaco are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Azerbaijan in 2 weeks.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

22 / 05 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixth race in Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco NEXT WEEKEND.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

10 / 05 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race in Miami are (finally) in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona in 2 weeks.

24 / 04 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race at Imola are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Miami in 2 weeks.

I've slightly reduced the weightings of Norris / McLaren because they're doing particularly well at the moment.

10 / 04 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race in Melbourne are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Imola in 2 weeks.

27 / 03 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race in Saudi Arabia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Melbourne in 2 weeks.

I decided not to change the weightings again for now. Let's see how the next couple of races go.

20 / 03 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Saudi Arabia NEXT WEEKEND.

I have made some quick changes to the weightings - Haas seem much stronger than I expected and McLaren/Aston much weaker. I might tweak them again after Saudi.

13 / 03 / 2022
Fantasy F1:
The 2022 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on the night of Friday 18th March to qualify for the first race in Bahrain.

12 / 12 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the final race in Abu Dhabi are in, and we have our 2021 winner! Check the results or see where your team finished.

05 / 12 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the penultimate race in Saudi Arabia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. The next and final race is Abu Dhabi NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 10th December.

21 / 11 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the twentieth race in Qatar are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Saudi Arabia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 3rd December.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

14 / 11 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the nineteenth race in Brazil are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Qatar NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 19th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

07 / 11 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighteenth race in Mexico are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Brazil NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 12th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

24 / 10 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventeenth race in Austin are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Mexico in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 5th November.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixteenth race in Russia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Austin in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 22nd October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

26 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifteenth race in Russia are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Turkey in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 8th October.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

12 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourteenth race at Monza are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Russia in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 24th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

05 / 09 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the thirteenth race at Zandvoort are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monza NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 10th September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

29 / 08 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
That was a weird one. The results from the twelfth "race" at Spa are in, and somebody got a MASSIVE score... possibly the highest we've ever seen in one week. Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Zandvoort NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 3rd September.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

01 / 08 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
Well that was exciting, wasn't it? The results from the eleventh race at Hungary are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. We are in the summer break now, the next race is Spa in four weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 27th August.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 07 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the tenth race at Silverstone are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Hungary in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 30th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

15 / 07 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
Bit of a problem with these new sprint races. Qualifying is now on the Friday. I don't really want to mess with the rules mid-season so we'll carry on having teams locked on Friday night, which means you can already see the qualifying results. But the scores are based on the GRID, not the qualifying, so effectively it's the result of Saturday's sprint race. We'll run with that for now and see how it goes. So cutoff for edits for Silverstone is still midnight GMT on the night of Friday 16th July.

04 / 07 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the ninth race at the Red Bull Ring are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Silverstone in two weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 16th July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

27 / 06 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the eighth race at the Red Bull Ring are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is the second of the Austria double-header NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 2nd July.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

20 / 06 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the seventh race at Paul Ricard are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is the first of an Austria double-header NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 25th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

06 / 06 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the sixth race at Azerbaijan are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Paul Ricard in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 18th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

23 / 05 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fifth race at Monaco are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. **NOTE** Leclerc still gets points for his grid position even though he didn't start the race, because the rules say we go with the grid on f1.com. Next race is Azerbaijan in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 4th June.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

09 / 05 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the fourth race at Barcelona are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Monaco in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 21st May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed all the previous races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

02 / 05 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the third race at Portimao are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Barcelona NEXT WEEKEND. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 7th May.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first three races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

18 / 04 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the second race at Imola are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Next race is Portimao in 2 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 30th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first two races - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

The weightings for Alpine have increased because they've been a bit shit.

28 / 03 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The results from the first race in Bahrain are in! Check the results or see where your team finished. Second race is Imola in 3 weeks. Cutoff for edits is midnight GMT on the night of Friday 16th April.

You can still enter a new team even if you missed the first race - you'll get a late starter bonus to help you get going.

21 / 03 / 2021
Fantasy F1:
The 2021 season is now open for entries! You can change your team as often as you like so you might as well pick a team now while you're thinking about it. You can always read the rules later! You have until midnight GMT on the night of Friday 26th March to qualify for the first race in Bahrain.

 

 

The Descent

The Descent

Cast: Shauna MacDonald, Natalie Jackson Mendoza, Saskia Mulder, Nora-Jane Noone, Alex Reid.

Written and directed by Neil Marshall.

Story: Five dappy bints go cave-diving and are attacked by troll things.

Running Time: 1hr 39 minutes.

Certificate 18.

 

Scary, clever and entertaining - The Descent manages to avoid being any of these things. Trite, slight and downright shite - now that's more like it.

The vain search for quality.  You won't find any in there, girls. It all starts promisingly enough - we're introduced to the five foxy spelunkers, a little vague background is provided and we set off down the big black hole. But the moment the sudden loud noise happens to make the audience jump, we already know we're in the hands of a novice. Oh dear, oh god, please let them all die quickly so I can go home. I've said it before and I'll say it again - the sudden loud noise does NOT BELONG in a scary movie. If you made a 110dB bang in the middle of Coronation Street it would make us jump, it's a natural reflex and has exactly nothing to do with the amount of suspense created or the scariness of the scene. There's only one reason to put sudden loud jumps into your scary movie, and that's LAZINESS. Your movie's not scary enough so let's make the audience jump a few times so they don't fall asleep. It makes me want to find Mr Marshall the director and slap him repeatedly with a haddock until he promises never to do it again. And then slap him again just to make sure.

'Go on, make me jump one more time.' So the direction's bad then - what else? Well, the performances from the five stars are pretty good, even given their absurd scenario and appallingly unbelievable screenplay. There are a few times where tension is generated by the actors' performances rather than the nasty monsters and they do work very well. Without giving too much away, there is a typical potholer-panic scene early on that is very effective purely because of the emotion delivered by the players. There are also two particular plot twists that were refreshingly different and well acted, but that's not nearly enough. Once the golems appear, the actors are up against an impenetrable bastion of bollocks - the trolls can easily navigate their way through caverns in total darkness (using sound, apparently) and can hunt effectively above ground despite being blind, but they can't hear the girls chatting to one another two feet away and they can't detect them at all unless they do jumping jacks right under their noses. They can, however, sneak up on the girls any time they want, naturally to the accompaniment of a sudden loud noise and a new fatwa on the director. The sound, as well - oh lordy. Just walk into a cave and say something, Mr Sound Man, I think you'll be surprised how remarkably unlike a studio it sounds. And the lighting. Shining a spotlight in someone's face isn't going to convince us. It's supposed to be two miles underground, so when the girls lose their lights, IT SHOULD GO DARK!

Shauna MacDonald regrets mixing up the shampoo with the sulphuric acid. Now here's the weird thing - it's getting good reviews from both critics and viewers! I am at a total loss to explain why this is. The only possibility I can think of is that British viewers so badly want British films to be good that they see quality where there isn't any. This is a British film, and the director Neil Marshall was previously responsible for Dog Soldiers, which I quite liked for its tongue-in-cheek side. The Descent has no such depth and is far inferior to Dog Soldiers in pretty much every respect. Don't listen to the hoi polloi, you know I'd never lie to you.

The Descent is the lowest form of horror film. You would have thought it completely impossible to make an unscary movie about potholing - pretty scary even when it goes well, let alone with predators involved - but they've managed it. If you enjoyed having that annoying twat poke you in the ribs at school to make you jump then you might find some entertainment here, but for the rest of us, this is one extreme adventure we can all do without.

I enjoyed this film: 1/5

I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: 3/5

Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: 3/5 It's pretty gory and the cast is all female - should have been a 15 certificate though.

To enjoy this film you should be: a die-hard horror nut.

 

The Descent is on general release in the UK now.

 

Your comments

The comments printed here are not necessarily the views of Forwardcharm!

 

The Descent .... The title says it all, the film descends past rock bottom very quickly, starts with a sequence that could be used as a road safety film, goes onto show how NOT to cave and ends up being a laughable gore fest between hysterical women and oversized Golems .... It's complete rubbish and should be avoided at all costs. Watching Bagpuss on a rainy day is more horrific!
Mike G