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Constantine
Directed by Francis Lawrence. Story: From the Hellblazer comic, Constantine protects the world from nasty demons. Running Time: 2hrs 1 minute. Certificate 15.
What a horrible, horrible, haemorrhoid of a movie. Constantine (appropriately pronounced constant-teen) is a supernatural action movie with Keanu "it's no accident that I never get heavy roles" Reeves. I'll be honest - I quite like lashing into movies from time to time, and I've a feeling this is going to get 50 strokes of the cat. Sometimes such raw critique leaves me a little guilty, but then I remember that my circulation is so small that the savagees will never read my words, so that makes me feel better. Let me start with Mr "pleeeease make Bill & Ted 3" Reeves. Brace yourself.
There is, however, an upside. Having such dire surroundings, the other performers have the opportunity to shine. Rachel Weisz, in particular, is like a rose in a sewer. Unfortunately we are denied her genuine porcelain voice in deference to a forced New York drawl that is strangely inconsistent with her demeanour, but that doesn't stop her giving everything to her twinned psychic cop character (I told you the script was bad). Tilda Swinton too, last seen in Young Adam and Adaptation, is pleasingly manic as angel Gabriel, with Peter Stormare (Fargo, Spun, Bad Boys 2, Windtalkers - though don't hold that against him) contributing a suitably rabid Satan in the dénouement.
Constantine is an empty, pretty, poorly-directed action movie with the wrong star. The basic story has masses of potential, but it is all unrealised, so the result is an open goal that reminds me of that other missed opportunity Underworld. Unfortunately, most moviegoers will lap it up, but I like to think my readership is more selective, so I warn you only to spend your money if you can detach and think about the underlying scenario on your own while the hideous cinematographic carnage is going on around you. You can prove me wrong in two years if you like, but as a reviewer I predict that there will most definitely not be a sequel to this movie, despite its ending being as open as Paris Hilton's legs. That's surely as damning an indictment of a potential franchise movie as you can get. Send it back to hell where it belongs. I enjoyed this film: I think the average moviegoer will enjoy it: Testosterone Satisfaction Rating: Bad language, demons and ghoulies, special weapons, lavish effects and Rachel Weisz getting wet. To enjoy this film you should: think about what the movie could have been while you're watching it.
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Cast: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Tilda Swinton, Peter Stormare.
I've given this a lot of thought. Keanu Reeves seems like a genuinely nice guy (which is normally incompatible
with acting success), he was born in Beirut and has absolutely no acting talent whatsoever.
How does a talentless nice guy
from outside the nepotistic Hollywood circle come to be such a major film star? There are only two ways I can think of.
The first is that he's blackmailed several leading players in Hollywood - which doesn't seem consistent with the nice
guy thing and would probably have had him "mysteriously overdose" before he hit the big time. So we've eliminated
blackmail. Sherlock Holmes once said,
"eliminate the impossible and what is left, however improbable, is the truth." This is, of course, bollocks. You can
never eliminate the possibility of being in league with the devil, for instance, because there's never any evidence on
either side - which is peculiar and relevant, because that's the conclusion I've come to with Mr "I don't do accents"
Reeves. OK, maybe being in league with the devil is over-egging the pudding a tad - but surely somehow he's found a way
to manipulate the world to his own ends. To succeed despite having none of the requisite qualities, this man must hold
the key to human achievement. It's like Maureen from Driving School becoming a Formula 1
driver - it just doesn't happen without some kind of rare and exotic influence. Well anyway, that's all
irrelevant to this, as it's just a film review. This whole paragraph has simply been a rambling way of saying that
Keanu Reeves is less well cast as Constantine than Kate Moss would be as Roseanne on a binge.
Constantine, it has to be said, never stood a chance. Originally slated to feature Nicolas "I can only play drunks" Cage
and to be directed by Tarsem "I think Hollywood has been waiting for a star like me" Singh (the monumentally awful
and supremely arrogant director of The Cell), both clearly saw the impending train-wreck and jumped ship, leaving
Keanu "there's no line I can't mess up" Reeves with unknown director Francis "style means copying other people" Lawrence
counting the scenes until meltdown.
The effects are nice, if unoriginal - they at least fit
the spec, though they are a little too Matrix-reminiscent for my liking.
Still, that's not surprising, since The Matrix is the only convincing role that Keanu "why am I still famous" Reeves
has done since Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, and that's only because it required the acting ability of a mushroom.
In fact, everyone and everything acts him off the screen in Constantine. Or maybe that's wishful thinking on my part.
I sure wished he'd bugger off whenever he was on screen.
